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Pano Palitan ng Cyberlife ang Real Life

Aug 19, '08 9:00 PM
for everyone

Bored? Unappreciated? Reality too harsh? There is Life other than the pathetic one you live in. And it doesn’t require you to board a flying saucer, change your religion, or overdose yourself.

All you need is a PC, Modem, Dial Up connection (preferably DSL), a Disloyal Lover, Deceitful Friends, and Unfulfilling Job. Then follow this Manic Manual.

Pano Palitan ng Cyberlife ang Real Life
By Miko The Architek
(Mortal Enemy of Neo a.k.a. Mr. Anderson)

1.) Create Monstrous Identity.

Sa virtual world, you can make believe and fulfill your fantasies. Dito may tsansa na magpanggap na mayamang socialite ang isang katulong, or katulad ng nauuso - the other way around. Maging hunk na pinag-aagawan ng lahat by posting pictures ng iba, kahit sa totoong buhay, ikaw ang nawawalang Missing Link ni Darwin. Maging Silver Grand Knight of Deepest Hell Who Can Deal 99,999,999 Damage in One Blow, kahit lampayatot ka at may BolaPhobia (fear of any Ball Games).

Your anonymity multiplied by phony concern of other netizens (truth: they’re busy too with the creation of their identities) grants you GodLike powers to be who you want. Exploit it. =)

2.) Hook Up.

Internet = Connection. Kahit ang speed ng internet nyo ay mabagal pa sa lasing na kuhol, pagtyagaan mong mag-add ng friends, magpost ng blogs, at maglaro ng online games. Collect and connect with as many entities as you can. Who cares kung tatlo sa “friends” mo sa list ay iisang tao lang. O kaya ang isa doon ay tatay mo na nagpapanggap na babae (ng hindi mo alam).

The purpose is to never be alone, to get served and give service, to have someone listen to your aspirations, rants, or ramblings – to affirm your existence.

3.) Suave Scheduling.
Time and Resource Management is a tough issue. Kung si Bruce Wayne ka na pwedeng magpasunog ng dollars kay Butler Alfred para pausukan ang puno ng mangga, wala kang magiging problem. You can have your business by day, social life by noon, and nuke criminals at night. Pero kung nagrerent ka lang ng PC from your allowance at paminsang-minsang kupit, mas challenging yan.

Wag masyadong mag-alala, maraming Computer Café Owners na concern sa needs mo. Meron silang special promos like “8pm to 8am, 100 pesos Only”! At may discount pa kung isang grupo kayo na magre-rent (para wala ng tatayo sa upuan, magtoka na lang kung sino ang bibili ng merienda). Masuerte ang mga office workers with unlimited access of internet. Hindi ko na sasabihin kung bakit dahil my immediate supervisor read my blogs. =P

Remember, Online Status is the only thing that signifies you are alive in Virtual City. So cancel that date, practice polyphasic sleep, and experiment mixing coffee with Gatorade.

4) Learn, Love, Live!

Napakarami ng misteryo sa Universe, at nasa Cyberspace ang kasagutan ng mga ito. Bakit si Goofy ay nakakatayo/nakakapagsalita/may-damit at si Pluto ay asal hayop pa rin, parehas lang naman silang aso (ang sagot ba ay Breed Discrimination)? Nagkakaroon ba ng panaginip ang mga bulag? Kung ang corn oil ay gawa sa mais, at ang vegetable oil ay gawa sa gulay, saan gawa ang baby oil (in related issue, kung ang flea powder ay pamatay ng pulgas, para saan ang baby powder)?

Lahat ay masasagot ng internet. At suportado ito ng mga surveys at statistics (na gawa-gawa lang din naman, tulad ng supultorerong nagpapanggap na Expert ng Cryogenics). Who needs rummaging to smelling-rotting books under the drilling eyes of an unwed librarian having a hemorrhoidal attack? The entire world’s knowledge is at the comfort of your bedroom.

Or perhaps you are looking for the love of your life, your soulmate? Sa internet mo rin ito makikita. Lalaki ba ang hanap mo? O Babae? O Babaeng may lawit? All of them are there, all breed, shapes and sizes. You can access them with the tip of your finger, preferably with a webcam (and to some for a small fee). And for Heaven’s Sake, they are gorgeous. So bakit ako magpapakahirap manligaw sa kaklase ko na sya nga mismo hindi alam kung ano ang gusto nya..

Sa internet, pwede mong damitan ng kahit anong style ang avatar mo. Pwede mo itong bilhan ng kotse, pagawan ng bahay. Bilang siya, pwede kang mamuhay tulad ng isang pirata, isang robot, o isang amoeba. At kung makokombinsi mo ang sarili mo, at makumbinsi mo rin ang ibang tao, that you are having the greatest time of your life (or technically your avatar), who else to argue?

For these reasons, bakit ka magtyatyaga sa totoong buhay. With this Manual’s Simple Instructions, walang kahirap hirap na Maging Ikaw Ikaw, makonekta sa mga Taong Gusto Mo, at mamuhay ng Walang Hassle. Everything you want to have in life is right here in Cyberspace – The Ultimate Paradise.

Just don’t be bothered (or envious) about the Café Owners and Web Developers who are island hoping, with caring friends, while drinking champagne with their soulmate.

-------------

Miko is a very famous and well-loved netizen until he swallowed that darn red pill Morpheus gave him. He spent his time normally now – working by day, study by noon, and (for rare occasions) blog by night (if he can’t find a good shag). This is his official entry for Blog Challenge 06: The Virtual Vice.

Tags: miko's manuals, humor, thoughts to ponder

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Pano Magshopping sa Quiapo

May 1, '08 11:45 PM
for everyone

A couple of weeks ago, nawalan ako ng wallet sa Quiapo na pambili ko sana ng supplies for my microbusiness. My sympathetic friends comforted me saying:

"Aaawww.
Ang tanga moh.
Ang tagal mong tumira dito sa manila,
hindi ka nawawalan ng pera sa Quiapo,
naglagi ka lang sa probinxa,
naging tanga ka na."
-------------Sheena, Comforting Words of Wisdom

Now, to ensure na hindi na mauulit ito, at para na rin sa ating mga readers na matagal ng gustong masubukan mamili ng DVD / Installers / Photosupplies / Porns sa Quiapo, follow my manual.

Quiapo Shopping Guide
by: Miko Legaspi
Street Scholar and Old Time Victim

Tip #1 Magmukang Busabos
This tip works well tulad sa "How to Avoid Dating Manual" ko (click here). Dapat magmuka kang mas mahirap sa tindero ng fishbol. Take not, ang tindero don ay naka N series na cellphone na nabili sa SM (Sa Magnanakaw). Kung meron kang old model na cp (yung parang plantsa sa bigat at hitsura), pwede mo itong bitbitin at idisplay as props. Ito ay magsisilbing senyales na you're cheap, outdated, and carrying deadly weapon to those who dare.

Tip #2 Wag isunod or isabay ang date sa Quaipo
Kung magpapacute ka after Quiapo, ang tendency eh maporma ka during or right after. Mag-ingat kang mabuti dahil magiging mainit din ang mga mata sa iyo ng mga snatchers at laslas baggers. Dito ako nagkamali kasi I met with someone right before I went to Quiapo. Kaya for the first time, pumunta ako ng Quiapo na naka jeans, coincedentally, for the first time din, some asshole took my wallet. Thanks for my stupidity.

Tip #3 Ipaghiwalay-hiwalay ang mga pera.
Commonsense na ang "Don't put all your eggs in one basket". Kaya nung nawalan ako, meron pa akong natirang 1 sampung piso, 1 limang piso, at 3 piso na barya para pamasahe papunta sa kaibigan ko sa Malate para umutang ng pamasahe pauwi ng probinsya. Para mas mababa ang risk sa iyo, i diversify mo (naks, parang portfolio) ang paglalagyan mo ng pera. Pwedeng 200pesos sa kanang bulsa, 200 pesos sa kabila, another sa loob ng bag, another sa loob ng brief. Kung kaya mong i-roll ang bills at ipasok sa ilong mo, by all means do it. Make sure to bring a tweezer to pull it out. Privately para tanggapin pa ng tindera ang pera mo.

Tip #4 Wag tatanggap ng kahit anong Libre
Ang simbahan ay pugad ng mapagkawang gawa at religious na business man. Kung ano-anong rosaryo, pins, anting-anting ang ibibigay sa iyo. Libre ito. Pero sa oras na tumanggap ka, required kang magdonate ng mga at least 200 pesos. Stay a good 10 feet from these people. Kahit glance lang from your perepheral vision, pagnakita ka nila, that constitute a deal. It also applies sa mga tindero ng cedula na hindi mo naman magagamit when you apply for NBI Clearance sa Carriedo.

Tip #5 One Minute Food Rule Doesn't Work
Pag nalaglag ang kinakain mo sa kahit saang parte ng Quiapo (or any LRT station for that matter), ang "Wala pang isang minuto" ay hindi epektibo. Three feet pa lang above the ground, may deadly germs na. Don't mind the guys that would pick it up and eat it later. Ipaubaya mo na sa kanila yon. Sadyang naging mabait ang evolution sa kanila at binigyan sila ng mas germ-resistant na sikmura. Sorry na lang tayong mga poorly evolved species.

Tip #6 Maligo Right After
Pagkauwi mo sa bahay (or tinutuluyan mo), subukan mong mangulangot. Kulay itim 'di ba? Yan ang tinatawag na alikasok (alikabok at usok na pinagsama). Kaya maligo ka muna bago mo isalang ang bagong porn na nabili mo. Try to add 3 drops of muriatic acid, 2 teaspoon ng panglinis ng silver at kalahating tasa ng liquid sosa kada isang balde ng kumukulong tubig for the best bath ever.